Until a couple of years ago I didn’t really think about race. I didn’t have to, being part of the majority white population of the United States. When I realized that without my attention we were not managing race well in this country, e.g., the shootings of unarmed black men moving away from the shooters, I realized I needed to understand what the heck was being perpetrated upon the non-white population in the name of my safety.
This book is written by a woman who experienced a similar kind of epiphany. Irving grew up wealthy in a suburb of Boston, “the most racist city in America,” according to SNL comedian Michael Che. She’d never confronted the fact that white was a race, too. I had, having lived some years in a non-white majority country, but even I had trouble defining what white meant in America. When I heard a joke about “the whitest thing I’ve ever done,” I started wondering what that would be, and why.
The point is that we all have something to learn about race, no matter the stage of our awakening. One takeaway from Irvings’s lessons was that race is always on the mind of minorities and part of their conversations with one another, but is rarely spoken of in white households. White households may even hold back when their attention is drawn to race, thinking it is rude to speak of it. They claim to be ‘colorblind,’ or ‘do not see race.’
It turns out minorities would prefer you do see race. Because it’s there, and because it is affecting them. We’re actually not all the same. We may have similar aspirations and dreams as humans, but we do not share the same backstory, home lives, food, cultural habits, etc. We’re different, and we need to accommodate differences of opinion and direction in our towns and cities, schools and public facilities.
Irving raises the idea of America’s ‘melting pot.’ It is a concept we need to look at again as our population changes, and speak about with our neighbors, and our government. What does that really mean, and is it good? Or can retaining some diversity of thought and culture make us stronger, better, wider in outlook?
Irving talks about diversity workshops she’s attended and ones she’s organized in Boston. She shares her learning from these sessions, and warns us that people of color are very tired of educating white people about racial sensitivity and fairness. They want white people to do what they have had to do their entire lives: catch up. And that means putting in the time to educate oneself through reading, listening, workshops, and classes if necessary. We may then recognize and work to eliminate racism in ourselves or in others.
The thing is, when we explore race together, we are gong to make mistakes. We are leaving our comfort zone. The first time we speak a foreign language with a native speaker captures some of the discomfort we will feel. It can be humiliating, our errors. If the journey is undertaken with real intent and a proper degree of acceptance of our own abilities and limitations, we will often experience breakthrough and native speakers may find themselves willing to help.
If this book at times sounded like a primer for every generalization ever made about race, it is still helpful for that. Wherever you are in your understanding of race you will find something here to learn. Irving’s frankness helps to clarify areas about which we were curious but unless we have friends of color, we had no one to ask. It looks at ways we can learn to feel more comfortable with color, speak of it, benefit from the diversity of it, but also how to face our own fallibility.
“I’ve come to feel that the straightforward airing of experiences and beliefs is a necessary, albeit uncomfortable, pathway to interpersonal and intercultural understanding and healing. Intimate human connection and enduring trust are the rewards of courageous conversation. The trick for me has been learning to stay in the conversation long enough to get to the other side, where niceness gives way to authenticity, understanding, and trust, the ingredients necessary for social stability.”I will try to stay in the conversation long enough, and I hope black citizens also stay in the conversation. I understand the exhaustion, truly. So you don’t have to answer whites all by yourself, and maybe not every time it comes up. But if we’re going to get through this, we’re gonna have to engage. Maybe if whites come at least halfway it won’t be so bad.
Irving’s journey was kind of inspiring, and makes me want to try something like that in my own town. I also live in a suburb of Boston and only in the past two to three years have people of color moved into our neighborhoods. I‘d like to know why it took so long, and I’d like to make some new friends. It is a change too long in coming.
“If there’s a place for tolerance in racial healing, perhaps if has to do with tolerating my own feelings of discomfort that arise when a person, of any color, expresses an emotion not welcome in the culture of niceness. It also has to do with tolerating my own feelings of shame, humiliation, regret, anger, and fear so I can engage, not run. For me, tolerance is not about others; it’s about accepting my own uncomfortable emotions as I adjust to a changing view of myself as imperfect and vulnerable. As human.”Below please find Debby Irving's YouTube TEDxFenway video (about 15 minutes):
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